Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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