I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize