I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
