Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
