Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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