i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
