I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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