Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
