I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
