I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
