I wanna bring you to show and tell
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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