It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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