Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
