I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
