she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
