You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
