if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
