I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
