stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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