The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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