i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
