Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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