i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
