saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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