ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize