The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
