Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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