I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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