NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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