And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
