Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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