this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i think i just lost a toe
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
