Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
