The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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