I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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