Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
