You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
