After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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