Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
