Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
