Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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