just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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