Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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