His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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