this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
