I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
