I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
