when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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