I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
