here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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