I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
