I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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