Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
