Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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