I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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